emoness....

ok ppl, brace urselfs for a bit of ranting.... yeah well i've been goin thru an emo rollercoaster... d upside being dat i'm excited abt leaving... d downside, i'm sad abt leaving... i mean, i'm excited dat i'm finally gonna be able to do my own thing in my own way without having to really listen to d dictation of others, but on d other hand i'm terrified dat i'm gonna fail miserably... all my life, i could say i've been pretty much pampered, not in a sense that i get everything i want when i want it, but in the way that a whole lot of things were done for me.. i'm not born wit a silver spoon in my mouth, but more like i've been chauffered everywhere. i hardly ever took public transport on my own. i've nvr gone anywhere on my own actually. i've always had somebody wit me. most of all wat worries me is dat i'm pretty green on d street. i'm not really a street-wise person. i've always been d baby of d family, heck, not only to family, but to d ppl in church also. where i've spent most of my time besides at home. there are so many things at d back of my mind. like, how long r they gonna remember me after i go? i can only make trips back home once a year. i'm leaving a lot of ppl i care about, especially d little ones that i love so much. as little as they are, how long will it be due to my prolonged absences, before they'll forget abt me? as far as parents go, i'm sure they wont forget. in my preparation to leave, mum's making me wash all my soft toys n pack them into this big wooden box that i have in d room. it just feels so strange, like as if i'm packing all my childhood into that brown box. all of me into that box....

aside from dat, leaving home means growing up big time n being an adult. can i do it? all my life, i've dreamed of the day dat i'll be leaving, it's almost been my lifelong dream to leave malaysia. all those years i just didn't realise dat i'll be finding it bloody tough to actually start packing. before i leave, i'm already missing those times that i'm gonna be absent. christmas, new year's, easter, all the birthdays. d only family celebration that i'll be able to be around from now on is my parents wedding anniversary. rite now these lines from nickleback's song Photograph best describes how i feel,

"I miss that town, I miss their faces
You can't erase, you can't replace it
I miss it now, I can't believe it
So hard to stay, too hard to leave it
Every memory of looking out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye "

d other thing dat worries me is, how long will it be before I start to forget? i know it really sounds crazy, but what if i do? i just cant shake dat off my mind....